My subconscious officially knows that weightloss has begun. For the last two nights I have dreamt about eating. First I dreamt of eating a whole carton of Homemade’s Cookies ‘N Cream ice cream. Last night I dreamt about cherry pie, which is odd because it’s not even that tempting during my waking hours.
This always happens when I start restricting my calorie intake. I dream about binge eating desserts, and the same eat, guilt, and regret cycle plays in my dreaming mind as it would in my conscious mind. I feel indulgent and weak while it’s happening. Then I wake up relieved I hadn’t actually consumed all those calories and annoyed I didn’t enjoy it more.
I could make millions if I could teach others how to lose weight through lucid dreaming. Oh crap, it’s already a thing.
My current weight may be a lie because I was a bit dehydrated this morning. Note to future self: DO NOT be disappointed if your weight next week bounces up a little. A small gain does not mean that you are on the wrong track. For goodness sake, keep it together!
I’m dehydrated because in the last five days I have been a lot more active than usual. I’m sorting and organizing my mother’s basement as a birthday gift. I’m happy to help, but didn’t quite understand what I was getting myself into:
I don’t feel like your eyes can do the heap justice. It’s not until you dive into it that you realize the density of the undertaking.
As I was sorting last night, I was thinking about my earlier therapy appointment (second session ever). She started talking about schema and how families create their own culture, be it healthy or otherwise. I’ve definitely grown up with some unhealthy schema, but it’s so difficult to define clearly. I come from a family of over-eaters. Food is a loving indulgence that is deserved and joyous. Preparing and giving food is a loving act. Food makes us feel better when we are sad and it’s the center of celebrations when we are happy. We hardly ever get together and not eat. And getting together is a cause for celebration afterall!
Years ago I remember being flummoxed while watching this scene from Dan in Real Life:
It stuck out to me as wholly odd and unrealistic. No one does that. No one exercises with their family. Clearly it’s just a silly device to showcase Dan’s awkward sexual tension.
But then I couldn’t get the scene out of my head. Yes, it’s a little contrived, but not nearly as alien as I had read it initially. A lot of families do workout together, or play sports, or go bike riding, or do something active. We just never did.
So how do I change the schema without annoying or alienating my family? Should I even try at this point? I’m 37. Our schema is so ingrained it seems pointless and almost cruel to stir things up now.
Instead I think I should focus on my little family of three and get them excited about awkwardly dancing outside with me. That seems a lot more doable.
So technically I am “supposed” to weigh under 135 pounds to be considered at a healthy weight. That number sounds ridiculous to me as I have never been below 190 lbs in my adult life. My personal goal weight is about 160 pounds, to the medical field’s chagrin I’m sure. At 160 pounds I will have a BMI below 30, and it’s a scale weight I can actually envision. It still feels extremely far off and abstract to me though.
I have come to terms with the idea that my weight will always fluctuate. I’m just hoping I can keep it fluctuating between 160 and 190 instead of 250 and 280. Weight is simply my battle in this life. That doesn’t mean I hate myself or that I feel worthless. It just is.
My overall goal for now is to stick to my plan: track my food, maintain ~1570 calories per day, and go to therapy twice a month. My first official weightloss goal on this journey is to get to 250 pounds by September 20th. I’m going to a wedding on that day and would feel better in a dress if I were smaller. I can attain my goal if I lose an average of 1.5 pounds per week until then. I’m on pace, slow and steady.
I’ve been really stuck on the question of if I am a binge eater. This thread on reddit about compulsive eating habits was hard for me to relate to. I don’t hide meals, go to multiple fast food places, go into a dissociative fugue, eat out of the trash, etc. So what are my bad habits? You don’t get to be morbidly obese without bad food habits, so let’s be real about my choices:
Eating to soothe myself. Bad day at work? Graeter’s sundae. Stressed about money? DQ Blizzard. Frustrated by life? Double Stuf Oreos. Wow. I know how to spell ‘Stuf’ correctly because I’ve seen the packaging enough times.
Cleaning the plate. I don’t know how this started because I don’t remember my mom lecturing me about starving kids the world over. I think I just picked it up because my parents and sister are clean-platers too. Now I have to remember to think about my portions before I begin eating and tell myself it’s okay not to finish.
Eating too fast. Done this all my life, another family habit. I have to be cognizant and chew my food very slowly and force myself to put down my fork from time to time. Now I watch everyone else’s plate and try to pace myself with them, pretending I’m not a basset hound.
Over-serving portions. I’m a 5’2″ female. I should never eat as much as my 6″ husband, and yet I often do.
Eating sweets at night. When I do indulge in late night snacking, which isn’t often these days, it tends to be something sugary like ice cream or cookies.
Neglecting vegetables. There are some veggies I love (broccoli, peas, corn, cucumber, artichokes, etc.), but I never choose veggies as a snack. Eating healthy salads makes me feel like I’m denying myself real sustenance. Whenever I’m at an event or party and the veggie tray is devoured, I’m shocked. Of all the food available they chose celery and carrot sticks?
Overusing fatty spreads. I’m an over-spreader. Cream cheese, peanut butter, jam, brie. I have never let myself buy Nutella because I just know I will be helpless against it’s velvety chocolate goodness.
Eating while cooking. The fridge is right there, and I have to wait on the chicken to cook, and I’m sooo hungry. I can’t wait. I don’t wait.
Getting overly hungry. If I don’t plan ahead and have healthy snacks available, I get overly hungry, my obese brain takes over, and it justifies eating whatever’s closest at hand. I’ve started repeating to myself, “Your hunger is not an emergency,” to shut my brain up.
I’m sure there are more. I’ve asked my husband to tell me what bad food habits I have. Poor guy. Nothing like slipping a landmine under his foot. He thinks I drink too much milk, but I disagree. I keep skim milk in the house when I am trying to lose weight because it satiates me when I have big cravings. I always track and account calories for it, so I don’t consider it a bad habit. But, alas, yes, water would be better.
The last few days have been difficult. The number on the scale went up even though I have been tracking all my food and staying close to my calorie goal. I do not want to be a slave to the scale so I limit my weigh-in to once a week. And I know, I know… sodium, pms, stress, glycogen, blah, blah, blah. It’s just so very demotivating when you’re expecting a loss and see a gain.
But this is not nearly enough to thwart my efforts, right? Right.
So let’s focus on the positive. I spoke with my husband about designating one evening a week and a corner of our apartment to my artwork. He has already started clearing out the area for me. I also have my first ever therapy appointment today. Haven’t chickened out yet. Progress.
I hope the therapist is a good fit and not a whackadoo who tries to smudge the weight off me. We’ll see.
I’ve been wanting to get this started for a long time, and it looks like today’s the day. Two things are on my resolutions list every year: lose weight and make more art. So here we are.
My weight loss journey has lurched and stumbled many, many times; I have even tried to start this blog once before. So I’m trying to figure out how to make this time more successful. If I’m being honest with myself, I must say that I have never addressed the mental aspects of my weight struggles. So on Tuesday, I start therapy. Dun dun dun!
There is a lot of stuff rolled up into what I want this blog to be, but rather than explain it, I’d rather just do it. I tend to over-think and under-do, but I’m working on that. I’m working on a lot of things.
